Fear of Failure & Judgement

In February 2016, I decided enough was enough and made some life changes! As of October 2017 I have lost 90 pounds!  

I have had a lifelong battle with the scale and size.  SOME of you know how this goes... dieting, losing weight, falling off the wagon, giving up and having regain.

 The list of factors contributing my obesity is long but here's a small glimpse:

• weight gain as medication side effects 
• hormone imbalance 
• mental health battles 
• inability to recognize what "full" feels like in my body
• portion control (distortion of serving sizes) issues
• deciding to just be comfortable with who I am (giving up)
• coming to terms with just being a "fluffy girl" (defeated feeling)
• even eating disorders(anorexia and then anorexia/bulimia) 

 I had gotten to the point that I didn't even climb on the scale because I told myself I wasn't going to let the number on it define me.  Honestly, the number alone wasn't what left me feeling defeated but my general unhealthy feeling, lack of energy, and many other things brought me to this turning point.

How did I lose this weight?

COUNTING....lots of counting was involved.  Steps, miles, minutes, ounces, grams, teaspoons, tablespoons, cups, pieces, bites, and even sips were tracked (and still are being tracked on good days).  Months, weeks, days, hours and even minutes were counted too.  SUPPORT....the people who've supported me in this journey and the strength from God have counted the most though.

But that's not all. In February 2016, at a high weight of 243 pounds I had an appointment at Bariatric Solutions to discuss the options of weight loss surgery.  That started a 7-month long journey of meeting with dieticians, nurses, surgeon and other doctors, counselors, various tests, lots of research and hoops to jump through. I lost 20 pounds by October 18, 2016 when I had Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG) surgery.  WHAT??! 
 
Fear of Failure and Judgement meant most of this journey happened with little knowledge or support from those around me. 

I've said, "Enough is enough!" plenty of times in my life, lost some weight and then regained all I had lost and then some.  At first I wasn't sure if my insurance would even approve the surgery, so I used that as an excuse.  Then, I let fear of judgement jump on board.  "I knew she didn't do it on her own!" "I sure hope this isn't like every other time she's lost weight."  "Tssk, Tssk!  All she has to do is put down the fork and put on some running shoes!"  "I know So-And-So who had surgery and...."  If you've gotten this far into the post, there's a chance some of those thoughts have already crossed your mind, but would you have been one of those people in my life who voiced those thoughts?  Would you have said it to me or just others?  Have you asked yourself why you feel the need to judge? Change is hard and being under a microscope while making change is even harder. 

I'm sure you have many other questions, 

so read on and maybe some of them will get answered.

Don't get me wrong...I had support on my weight loss journey, but not the huge cheer-leading squad I might have had if I'd have gone public before this point.  My husband has been my biggest support and I eventually told my parents & sister too.  Many family members and friends don't even know all that has happened in my journey to get me to this point.  I've had some success, but my journey isn't over.  

Here's a few pics to show you how far I've come though...

October 2016

 April 2017

 October 2017

 If you've done the math, you've noticed that the last 70 pounds of weight loss have happened since surgery. I can't imagine being able to lose that much weight without the surgery. The success I've had isn't just because I had surgery either.  The surgery was a TOOL to help me regain control over something that has controlled my life for far too long and was causing many health issues. It wasn't an easy or quick journey and there is much I've given up in the process.  There are also many things I can do now that I wasn't able to do before (things people who've never been obese probably just take for granted). 

 I've crushed my goals so far and I hope to crush my last goal and then to be able to maintain my weight loss.  I've NEVER maintained a weight loss before, so this is a HUGE challenge.  I am now JUST overweight and let me tell you, there was a lengthy victory dance when that goal was achieved!
There are also many Non-Scale Victories (NSV) that I've had along the way too.  I'll save those for another post! I am so thankful to God for the strength He's given me and I am prayerful that I am able to maintain the healthier lifestyle I have now. I'm happy to answer questions and I'd appreciate prayers for continued success as I move into the maintenance phase.