Well, I was talking to my Little Middle this morning about how I've been distant from God lately. I told her being on the Struggle Bus lately seems to have distanced me from God. She's been on the Struggle Bus lately too and I don't know that I've been a very good example of how to handle life. I talk the talk but we parents all know that our kids learn more by our actions than our words. I was having a moment of clarity and reflection. Are you with me?
My relationship with God is probably much like that of a close girl friend in many ways. I love that I can talk to Him anytime I need or want to talk to Him. Something comes up and I stop mid-sentence to handle the mini-crisis and then pick right back up where I left off. Other times He seems to sit on hold for hours while I go about my life, and then I suddenly start talking to Him again and I just know that He knows the background of the situation and I don't need to explain it all. A close friend understands when a phone conversation gets interrupted a million times because you have to handle the kids, drive thru order, husband calling on the other line and can't seem to talk and chop the veggies at the same time so you pause for a few minutes. A good friend remembers what's going on and understands you enough that you can call in the middle of the day to talk about an issue without needing a background story and likewise, she's there to let you vent and give you words of inspiration to pick you back up so you can "suck it up, Buttercup" and plug along. My relationship with God has been much like that in many circumstances.
I didn't always have a close relationship with God. You know when you've been introduced to someone, but they're not quite your "friend?" You say a few kind words, you are nice to them and include them in the conversations because they're friends with your loved one and that's what is expected and what good people do. That's probably the best description of my relationship with God during my youth. As a teen, I turned my back on God and walked away from my faith. I knew I believed in God and I believed in Jesus, but the differences within Christianity itself was confusing and intimidating. It was easier to just not be a part of it than to try to figure out what I believed and how I fit into it all. Years later and with the a set of glasses no longer clouded by teenage hormones, I can see how much harder my life was because I tried to do it on my own. I pray that my kids have His Word hidden in their hearts and are building a relationship with God that allows them to hear that prompting of the Holy Spirit calling to them when they start to stray of His path. That ride on the Struggle Bus is one I wouldn't want to take again and I pray that the don't go through the pain that I suffered on that long winding road of loneliness (when I felt all alone because I forgot He's always there with me).
At other times in my life, my relationship with God is much like a traditional Daddy-little girl relationship. I've come to Him crying so hard that I can't even get words out through my tears, sometimes followed by questions of why and how or other times with anger of my lack of understanding. In these times, I curl up in a ball, feeling as if I'm on the lap of My Almighty and envision Him wrapping His arms of love around me in comfort and peace. Sometimes I'm there for a few minutes, sometimes hours and at others times it can take a while before I feel the strength to pick myself up and take the next step. I've also had times when it was blatantly obvious that HE CARRIED ME through the storm. In my mid-20s God brought my soul-mate into my life and in one short year after meeting we were married and had a baby and then less than a year later, I saw him off to the Middle East for a war and an unknown future. After years of doing it on my own, I started turning back to God in those times. The next year of marriage saw my husband return from war, start a new career in the oilfield and the blessing of a new baby on the way, but then another bump in the road brought both of us even closer to God. When we found out our baby had a chromosomal problem and life-threatening heart defect, God began to carry us. He carried us through our daughter's difficult birth, six minutes of CPR that she endured and the miracle of her short life. He gave us peace that surpassed all understanding, wisdom for decisions we had never thought to discuss and gave us comfort of knowing He is in control. He then gave us the strength to plan a memorial and console others as we said a precious goodbye to a beautiful soul. He continued to carry us through the months of grief afterward, followed by major damage to our home and repairs along with a surprise pregnancy that gave us a beautiful rainbow after the storm. When friends said they couldn't understand how we did it, we answer that it wasn't us. When I look back now, I am amazed at what I was able to handle and accomplish. I still don't have the strength to handle all that was thrown my way, even with more years of motherhood, life experience and a more mature Christian relationship I'm not able to see with my human eye how I made it. It was God carrying us through that season. That was a long ride on the Struggle Bus but I'm so glad I was on that ride. I also know without a doubt that if we ever faced another storm like that, that our God would carry us through it as well.
I also know that in the good times I've had a strong relationship with God. I can look back at some amazing years of prosperity in my life and I see myself giving God the glory and being amazed at how He blessed us. I see myself talking to Him with a big smile on my face and sense of peace. I remember that feeling of total trust and freedom from anxiety knowing that I have given control over to Him. I see things that could've been mountains be approached as mole hills because I'm not alone. I see myself growing closer to Him and diving deeper in His Word, getting more involved in ministries and outreach and growing stronger roots as a Christian. Those times are what make riding the Struggle Bus to get there worthwhile.
So why is it when I'm on the Struggle Bus that I forget to turn to Him like I did in the times of Crisis? Why do I try to go at it on my own like I did when I didn't have a relationship with Him? How is that I've been on the Struggle Bus for about the last FIVE years and I get off at some stops, but jump right back on? This trip has included my husband's job loss as the oilfield took a hit back in 2012, followed by a lengthy time of unemployment, me leaving my life as a stay-at-home mom to become the primary earner as my husband took some college classes using his GI Bill, us heading God's call for me to be a stay-at-home mom again as my husband returned to the work, years of underemployment, failed attempts at beekeeping, loss of many animals, loss of gardens, battles with VA, struggles with school, mental and physical health issues, and the list goes on. Now these struggles haven't been a walk in the park, but I really feel like it's been harder times. Why is it so much easier to just let go of control and trust God in the midst of a major crisis than in these "smaller" manageable struggles? I'm not asking for a crisis and as I look back over these last five years, I can see how God has carried us through but this time I seem to lack the peace I've felt at other times. I struggle with anxiety and depression and I know this is a weak spot that Satan attacks me. These last several years have been full of anxiety and many times along the way I've given control to God and felt some peace. BUT then I only stay at the Bus Stop of Peace for a little while before I jump back on the Struggle Bus and start to worry over my next destination and how I'm going to get there.
TODAY I'm feeling some peace, so I must've gotten off at a Bus Stop of Peace recently without realizing it. I'm choosing to look back on my bus ride and see the Bus Stops of Peace, Comfort, Providence, Healing, Growth, Triumph and praise the One who provided those stops over the last five years. Maybe if I keep focusing on the ways He has already provided and use some of the tools of other good times I can walk to that stop of Trust without having to get back on the bus. It's nice at this stop and I'd like to stay here a while. I don't doubt that there will be times of Struggle again, but maybe I will notice the Stops along the way and enjoy them a bit more instead of only focusing on the ride.
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